LESSONS ON GRACE

As we got ready to head to Oahu, where we lived for over 10 years, I knew it would be emotionally challenging for me.

I knew I’d cry the moment I felt the warm tropical air on my face. (I did.)

I knew I’d feel a mixture of joy and sorrow seeing the Koolau mountains, Diamond Head, and Kailua Beach. (I did.)

The joy came in getting to be in a place I loved so much, see people who have been such a huge part of my life, and getting to step onto white sand and slip into turquoise water.

But the hardest part for me was something I didn’t expect: lessons on grace.

Of course, God knew how hard those lessons would be for me, so He tried to prepare me.

The day before we left, I was sitting in church when a word flashed in my mind.

“Receive.”

Words don’t just pop into my mind very often, so I decided it was worth paying attention to. I turned it over in my mind and felt like God was telling our upcoming trip was a time for me to practice receiving.

If you’ve read some of my other essays, like Love and a Laptop, you know that receiving is hard for me. I’m much more comfortable following rules, doing the “right” thing, and earning my way. So, sitting in church, I asked God to help me learn to receive well. Starting that moment, God gave me plenty of learning opportunities.

October is Pastor Appreciation Month, and that Sunday Erik received several cards from members of our church. As he opened one, I heard him gasp. He carried the card over to me and inside was a check. A very generous gift that covered the cost of our airline tickets and rental car.

In another card, other friends had given us a gift to cover the cost of a dinner out.

We were both speechless.

We immediately messaged our friends to say thanks, feeling words weren’t adequate, knowing we’d never be able to reciprocate their generosity.

The next lesson in grace came when a friend picked us up at the airport to take us to our hotel.

The Hawaiian way to greet loved ones on special occasions, like arriving on the islands, is to give them a lei, put it over their heads, and kiss them on the cheek. We consider ourselves “locals,” so we didn’t really expect that type of elaborate greeting. But our friend surprised us with one anyway. He gave us each a lei and a big hug, saying, “Welcome home! We’re so excited you guys are here!”

As we climbed into his car, our friend told us there was a child bottle of water for each of us in the car’s cupholders. He then pointed out a cooler bag behind his seat that he said he’d filled with food and drinks for us in case we were hungry. He drove us to our hotel, asked if we needed help carrying stuff to our room (we declined since it was after 10pm and he had to work early the next morning).

Next, we checked into our room, which had been gifted to us by other friends. Three nights in Waikiki! We’d never stayed in Waikiki before, and that was a gift enough, but they decided to go the extra mile and had upgraded us to a top floor suite.

What?!?

After our three days in “town,” we moved to the Windward side of the Island, to the town of Kailua. Again, friends had gifted us an amazing place to stay — two weeks in their rental property. Knowing the cost of living (and vacation rentals) in Hawaii, I had tried to find out what we could pay to help cover the cost of our lodging. Our friends refused payment.

So generous.
So much love.
So much grace.

Next, we had a photographer friend agree to take photos for our 20th anniversary, which is next year. She gave us an incredibly generous rate, even taking extra time to take us to two different island settings.

On top of all of that, we had another friend make us an amazing fall dinner — complete with cocktails — and had several friends treat us to dinner, drinks, and sweet treats. Even a waitress at a restaurant upgraded Erik’s order and gave me a free side of rice. Another friend gifted Erik a large (and expensive) set of theology books.

One night, I found myself overwhelmed by all the generosity that had been poured out for us. I sat outside, in the warm air, crying, while writing these words in my journal:

God, I’m used to earning. I’m ok having to pay my way and earn my keep. It makes sense to me. But this abundant generosity . . . I guess it just feels too good to be true.

And yet, it is true.

The generosity of people is blowing me away. So many people are pouring out what they have to bless us. It’s so much – it’s so overwhelming. I know that it’s a picture of our love — of your grace — but it’s hard for me to grasp. . . I’m not even earning a paycheck anymore. I can’t pay any of it back.


That’s when I realized our entire trip was God trying to get me to understand — what grace really is.

Grace isn’t something I can earn.
It’s not something I deserve.
It’s not something that I can pay back.
It’s a gift, pure and simple.

My job — and yours — is to receive it.

Today, the words of James 4:6, ring clearly true.

“But he gives us more grace.”

PORT ORCHARD

There’s a dead-end street I like to walk down by my house.

It’s quiet. There are lots of trees, few cars, and birdsong.

It ends by a cattle ranch. The rancher, still in his 80s, inspires me.

Everyday he’s out there, on his golf cart or his tractor, staying active, working hard.

I don’t know much more about him, but his property is beautiful. One day, he invited Erik and I up on his deck so we could see his herd.

Green pastures and rolling hills filled my vision. Cattle dotted the grass.

I could tell he was proud.

Proud of the land he’d cultivated.
Proud of the animals he raised.
Proud of the life he’d built.

He’s lived in that same house, on that same land, for decades. Viewing the property from the street, it’s nothing special.

The red paint is dulling.
The fence posts have some cracks.
The blackberries on the edge of the property look like they are poised to take over the barn where the golf cart gets parked.

Yet there’s beauty and natural peace to it that would be hard to find just half a mile away, where the forest has been replaced with hundreds of apartments.

This contrast is why I love this town.

This little town, with a population of 19,000, is a complicated mix of new and old. Rich and poor. Urban and rural.

When we first realized God might be moving us here, my first reaction came in a single word.

“Really?”

The word became a prayer.

“Really, God? Port Orchard?”

I grew up in the town next door. I’d driven though more times than I can count, usually to get to the ferry dock to ride over to West Seattle to visit family.

But that was the thing, I always passed though. I never stayed.

I knew my hometown. I knew what was there, how I could fit in. But this new place, familiar though it was, felt foreign. Almost a world away.

Then there is the pride factor.

We had just spent over 10 years living in “Paradise.” Was God really going to replace Hawaii with Port Orchard?

Apparently He was.

The first day we visited the church, we didn’t tell people we were coming. We just wanted to see what it was like without “candidating,” which is the ministry term for interviewing. 

After the services, we drove along the waterfront of the town. It was May. The sun was bright, the water sparkling, the mountains peaked and majestic in the background.

“I can do this. I can live here. It’s beautiful,” I thought to myself.

It was almost six more months before Erik was hired. And another four before we moved into our rental house near the ranch.

Now, four years later, I still miss Hawaii desperately. But I also have come to love it here.

It feels like this town in some ways is like me.

It’s trying to stay relevant while not losing the core of what it is.

It’s modernizing restaurants next to buildings that have seen more northwest storms than the current weather man.

It’s rural. There is farmland with horses, large gardens, ducks, sheep, and cows. There’s even a camel.

But it’s also just a 30-minute ferry ride from downtown Seattle, with all the hustle and bustle of Pike’s Market, the very first Starbucks, award-winning theatres, street performers, and high-rises full of tech workers.

Port Orchard isn’t trying too hard. But it’s still trying.

There is always construction and traffic is getting terrible.

But I still know my neighbor’s name. I still have plenty of space for raised garden beds.
It’s still so quiet at night that you can hear frogs croaking and the occasional owl hooting.

It’s beautiful in its own way, just like the old ranch, and just like I hope I’ll keep learning how to be.

Now my, “Really, God? Port Orchard?” prayer has become, “Thank you, Lord!”

“Thank you for bringing us to this place.”
“Thank you for putting us so close to family.”
“Thank you for giving us a familiar yet new place to explore.”
“Thank you for the church family we have come to love deeply.”
“Thank you for the home you chose for us.”
“Thank you for knowing what I needed.”
“Thank you for knowing me better than I know myself.”

We’ll be visiting Honolulu soon. It’ll be the first time we’ve been back since we moved. And when we’re there, I’m going to try to cling to my gratitude for my new home, even while I know my heart will be pulled, as it always is, towards the island.

FEAST DAY

The tree in the front yard is shivering. 

It’s just one. The other dozen trees I can see from my front window are still. It’s just the mountain ash that’s dancing.  

I pull up the blinds to get a better look. 

It’s happening! It’s robin feast day.

Robin feast day? Yes, and it’s a delight to watch. 

I had no idea this was a phenomenon until we moved into this house. That first fall, sitting in my morning chair, I noticed the same thing I see today – one singular tree is shivering. As I watched, I discovered the reason. Robins. They swoop in, land on the branches, and pick the bright orange berries off one by one. 

There surely is some scientific word for this event, but Erik and I have named it robin feast day at our house. I call out to him with excitement when it starts happening, wanting to share in annual wonder of the spectacle. And quite a spectacle it can be. This morning, there are only a few birds landing in the tree at once. But the first year I saw it, I noticed at least a dozen, wings flapping, seeming to come in a waves, eating until every berry is gone. 

By the end of the week, maybe next, the tree will be bare. All the berries will have been devoured, and the robins will be off enjoying some other treat. 

According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, this is a common sight this time of year.

“In late summer and continuing on up until the breeding season begins in spring, robins form nomadic flocks that roost together at night and feed together by day.”

Together. What a beautiful word. It erases the competitive spirit that seems to drive so much of humanity these days. While so many of us are just trying to save and stockpile for ourselves, not one of the robins seems concerned they won’t get enough. 

None of them hoards a cluster or tries to startle away the others. 

Instead, they seem to call to one another, their delighted chirps filling the air. 

“The berries are ready!” I imagine the first forager calling out. “Come one and all! It’s time to feast!” 

As I watch them, I think of Jesus’ words in Matthew.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (6:25-27)

How often do I forget these words? How often do I worry not just about what I will eat today, and tomorrow, but about the well of good food drying up? 

This time of year, it’s especially on my mind as the garden has slowed and the home-picked produce, while still coming into my kitchen, is noticeably less than it was just a month or two ago.

Fall is here. Winter is coming. 

The days are shorter. The mornings darker. The temperatures cooler. 

My soul whimpers, longing for endless days of summer, wanting to cling on to what I have enjoyed rather than risk finding joy in something new. But as I watch the robins, I realize they have more lessons for me than about trusting God’s provision. Instead of worrying about the coming cold, when berries will be gone and worms will be hidden in the colder ground, they are delighting on what they have right now. Today. 

Not only that, but they are sharing it with each other, knowing the bounty is too good — too perfect — not to shout about.

Tomorrow, or next week, they will be eating something else, praising God for His provision in some other tree, on some other bush, or hopping along the ground after a rainstorm. 

They live in freedom. 

They live in trust. 

They live together.

That is how I want to continue learning to live. 

THE BLUE FEATHER

A close-up of a blue feather resting on a textured piece of wood, with a blurred green background.

I was picking up dead tree branches in the front yard this morning. Not all of them — I’m too lazy for that — but the larger ones, the ones you can see from the road, I picked those up. To get to them I had to crawl under the canopy of trees in our front yard. Nestled on the dirt amongst the branches was four-year old bark that was in the process of returning to the earth, green vining vinca, and a clump of lamb’s ear that flowers pink in the summer. 

There were also pine cones, pine needles, disintegrating leaves, moss, and about a million maple “helicopter seeds.” I know come next spring I’ll spend at least three hours uprooting their tiny volunteer maples. But that isn’t what I’m thinking about today. 

Today, I’m thinking about something else that was tucked into the array of dirty things. 

A small blue feather. 

Brilliant navy blue with a small section of black. Just one glimpse told me it was from a Steller’s Jay. Instantly, I thought back to my childhood and Lys. 

Lys lived two houses down. She was older and widowed. A retired school teacher, it seemed like she was almost always home, or at the very least out in her expansive yard. Her garden was a delight — flowers, vegetables, fruiting trees, and a wall of blackberries. She was generous and shared frequently. I remember summer days spent with buckets by those blackberry bushes, eating every other berry as my mom, sister, and I collected the ripest fruit to turn into jam, pie, and fruit leather. 

As a teacher by trade and in her heart, Lys was constantly teaching me. She saw in my childhood soul a love for animals and nature, and she fostered it. 

She often invited me into her two-bedroom cinderblock home where she kept collections of things she’d found out in the world. A shed snakeskin, interesting rocks and agates, small pieces of beached driftwood, and feathers. Oh the feathers. To my childhood eyes her collection was massive. She remembered where she found each one and what type of bird they had all fallen from. 

When she found feathers she had in her own collection she’d grab them for me, handing them over, telling me the proper names for each bird and pointing to them if they happened to be in the yard.

She’s the one who taught be about the Steller’s Jay — and their proper name. 

I imagine it’s because I watched so many Disney movies, but when I saw those blue birds in our neighborhood, that’s what I called them — blue birds. 

Hearing me say it only once, Lys told me that they weren’t blue birds. Those didn’t actually live in our area — but instead we have Steller’s Jays. She pulled out her Audubon bird book with the red cover and helped me turn to the page where I could read all about Steller’s Jays. 

It wasn’t a harsh correction, but gentle and kind, inspiring me to want to know more about the birds in our area. I sat mesmerized, flipping through the colored pictures of birds, imagining the joy of someday seeing each one in the wild. 

That’s who Lys was — a lover of all things natural and wild. She volunteered at the zoo, which as an elementary school student I thought was the best thing ever. She also volunteered at a nature preserve with a small lake and trails. She took me there at least once. I think my sister might have been with us.

In my eyes, Lys was somewhat of a superhero. But as often happens with childhood superheroes, as I went into Middle School and High school, I became focused on more practical things. I’d still see Lys occasionally, but the years had stolen some of her memory and her aging body seemed to keep her from being in her yard as much. At least that’s what I’d like to think. The reality is, I probably just gave me attention to things I thought were more pressing and important. 

Sad, but true. 

I remember my parents telling me when Lys had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. I was out of the house, trying to figure out what it meant to be an adult. Later, her kids moved her into a care facility near them, and then she eventually left this earth. 

I don’t remember how long ago it was she died. Decades at this point. Her house has had two different owners, the current one is putting on an addition. The front garden is gone. The blackberries are, too. But my fond memories of Lys remain.

I’m thankful for the neighbor she was. 

I’m thankful she shared her passion with all things natural and wild with me. 

I’m thankful for all the feathers she gave me, now lost to time, which were always a reminder that she was thinking of me.

She saw me. She loved me. 

And I’m thankful for all that she taught me, not only about being a neighbor, but about the beauty of critters and creation and plants. 

I wish she was still here so I could tell her. I wish I could go over to her house and find her pulling weeds in the front yard. 

I wish I could tell her how often I think about her, all these years later. 

But even though I can’t, I can still live out what she showed me. I can care for the earth, take delight in nature, be amazed by the beauty of birds and feathers. I can feed the hummingbirds, pick blackberries, share what grows in my garden, and give thanks for a woman who knew how to love her neighbors. Even an awkward little girl with glasses and an eye patch who was happier searching for frogs than going shopping. 

I don’t know what type kind of relationship Lys had with God. But I hope I get to see her again. I imagine if she’s in heaven, like I hope she is, she and Wendell Berry are having some incredible conversations. Conversations I hope I get to listen to some day. 

Until then, whenever I see a Steller’s Jay, or one of their forgotten feathers on the ground, I’ll think of Lys and smile. 

DON’T BE LIKE THEM

This might sound dramatic, but I think it’s true. 

The world started falling apart the moment someone said, “I want to be like them.”

Hear me out. 

The problem of sin and brokenness starts — and continues — with God’s people to wanting to be something (or someone) other than what they are. 

It starts in the garden, with the serpent tempting Eve with the promise of being someone else. 

“You can be like God. You can know everything. Don’t settle for being reliant on him.” (Genesis 3:5) 

And Eve falls for it. So do I. I’m guessing there are times you’ve fallen for it, too. 

Another place where we see this problem (it’s all throughout scripture) is in Genesis 16. 

God has promised Abram that He will make him into a great nation. Sarai, Abram’s wife, doesn’t seem to be able to have children. She’s not happy with the situation she’s in — with the place God has her — so she comes up with a plan that will make her the mother she wants to be. She tells Abram to sleep with her maid servant, Hagar. He does and Hagar has a baby, Ishmael. 

Sarai gets even more jealous and things start to go south quick. And they keep going. By the time we get to 1 Samuel, people aren’t even disguising the fact that they don’t want to be who they were created to be. 

“Give us a king,” the Israelites, God’s chosen people, say. “We want to be like all the other nations.” (1 Samuel 8:19-20)

As I read that passage, something clicked deep inside me, and I had to stop and sit with the feeling for a moment. 

How many times have I wanted to be like “them”? To be someone other than I was created to be? To be in a place other than the one God had placed me at that specific time?

Way more than I can even begin to count. 

But what if, instead of looking for ways to fit in, I let God allow me to stand out in whatever ways He wants? 

Living that way is counter-cultural, especially in our media and marketing-driven society. 

Many of the messages that bombard us every day are crafted to tell us that not only can we be someone else, but we should be. And if we don’t want to, there’s something wrong with us. 

Don’t get me wrong. Dreams and aspirations aren’t bad, but where those dreams and aspirations come from matters. 

Often, the root is that we want to live a life other than the one we have. 

We want to look different than how God hand-crafted us. 

We want to be someone other than who we were created to be. 

And that’s the real tragedy, because what if you already are who you were meant to be? 

I believe with every part of me that God has a unique call for your life. You reflect Him in a way no one else can. Are you leaning into that? 

God isn’t cruel. In fact, He often gives us what we want. But what if, instead of wanting to be like someone else — or everyone else — you wanted to be more fully you? The unique, beautiful one-of-a-kind you that you were created to be?

What if we all did? 

CONSIDER THE SQUIRRELS

One of the first things we bought when we moved into our current house was a matching pair of padded chairs. We hadn’t been looking but stumbled upon them at Costco with the tell-tale “closeout” asterisks on the price tag and a price that was hard to beat. 

Erik called my brother-in-law, who had a truck, and later that afternoon, the chairs were dropped off at our new home. 

Without even unwrapping them I knew where they would go. We have a large bay window that desperately needed seats and this value-priced set was perfect. We threw away the boxes, screwed on the feet, and set them side by side in their new home with a small table settled in between. 

Very quickly, the chair on the left became my morning chair. Each morning, cup of jasmine tea in hand, I’d settle in with a blanket and stare out the window. More often than not, within ten minutes I’d be giggling. 

“You sitting in those chairs and giggling is one of my favorite things about this house,” Erik said.

What was I giggling at? 

Squirrels. 

The cluster of tall trees that the bay window looks out on is  home to at least one colony of squirrels. Most mornings, they scamper their way over the branches and down the trunks to our front yard patch of lawn. What they do then is rather extraordinary, and I can’t witness it without giggling. 

The squirrels play as if nothing else in the world matters. 

Sometimes in pairs, sometimes alone, their furry grey bodies tumble in summersaults as they zoom from one tree to the other, one stick to the next, pausing only long enough to juggle a pinecone with their feet before scurrying on with their joy-filled movement. 

They have no worries. 

They have no worries. 
They aren’t trying to collect food for the day. 
They are simply being. Playing. Delighting at being alive. 

As I watch them, I think of the birds and the flowers Jesus describes in Matthew 6:25-28. 

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.” 

In those morning moments, it’s as if Jesus is saying, “Be like the squirrels, Jess. Live. Delight. Play. I’m taking care of everything else. Trust me. Just enjoy.” 

While I’m thankful for those moments, and the lightness those long-tailed rodents bring to my heart, I must admit I don’t carry that feeling far past my morning chair. 

All it takes is two steps into the rest of the day and I’m back to worrying, striving, trying to earn my right to live, breathe, and take up space in this world. 

But most mornings, the squirrels are there, reminding me that I have another day to try again. 

In the TV series Ted Lasso, Jason Sudeikis’ character, becomes known for telling the players on his team to be like a goldfish. Why? Because according to him, goldish have the shortest memory of any animal. They can’t remember what happened five minutes ago, and therefore they can’t be mad about it. They can’t seek revenge. All they can do is be fully in the moment, giving that brief time in history their all. 

There’s some good truth to that idea, but I think I’d rather be like a squirrel. I don’t know how long their memory is, but after watching them every morning for the last several years, they always make time to play. 

I think we could all stand to do that a little more, and I’m not the only one. David Bently Hart, in a recent essay in Plough Quarterly, titled “Running in Circles,” wraps up a compelling argument about the value of baseball by saying, “Only in play… can we really understand the true nature, the original peacefulness, and the final purpose of creation.”

We were created only to play? I don’t think so. But I do believe that play can unlock the true purpose of life, which, as the Westminster Shorter Catechism says, is “to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” 

ON BEAUTY

I just finished reading The Mockingbird: The Beauty Issue. (The Mockingbird is non-profit print magazine that Erik subscribes to that I have come to really appreciate.) As I flipped through the pages, a multitude of questions popped into my mind.

What is beauty, really?
What do I believe about it?
Who or what have I allowed to define it?
 
Growing up in the 80s and 90s, I fell into the trap of believing that what I looked like mattered as much as (or more than) anything else.
 
I thought that if I looked “right,” I would be admired. Respected. Loved.
 
The scary thing is that I simply accepted the standard of beauty set by magazines, advertisers, the fashion industry, and Hollywood.
 
I didn’t question it.
I didn’t consider they could be wrong.
I assumed that to be beautiful, I had to conform.
 
So for years I tried, which left me depressed, struggling with my body image, and never feeling good or beautiful enough. But as I read through The Beauty Issue, I began to question my old thoughts.
 
Who is it that says a flat stomach is more beautiful than a round one?
Who says that thin and tall is more beautiful than short and stout?
Who says that long, highlighted hair is prettier than a bald head?
Who says that grey is the best color for my living room walls?
 
More important than “Who says it?” is “Why the heck have I believed them?”
 
Like a flash of lighting, I realized I don’t have to believe it anymore! And then, Romans 12:2 popped into my mind.
 
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
 
I’ve spent a whole lot of my years trying to conform to the world’s standard of beauty, and by doing that I’ve actually been a part of the problem.
 
By complimenting people when they lose weight, I’m saying that skinny is beautiful.
By admiring someone’s smooth skin, I’m saying that wrinkles should be erased.
By telling someone how great they look after having Lasik, I’m saying that people who need glasses aren’t as attractive.
 
All this really hit home for me the other day. I was in the car, listening to the radio and a catchy song came on. I started to automatically sing along.
 
I knew all the words.
Verses.
Bridge.
Chorus.
 
But I hadn’t ever stopped to think about what the song was saying on a deeper level. As I listened, I realized the song was all about women dancing for the admiration of men.
 
WHAT?
 
I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve sung along with it for years without ever questioning the lyrics meaning. I’ve bobbed my head to it and tapped my feet. It’s got a good beat. But now I’m realizing that’s not enough.
 
Disgusted with what the singer was saying, I changed the station. But as I scrolled, I discovered most of the hit songs were about lust, sex, and physical beauty. Sometimes it was veiled, but it was always there.
 
So I turned off the radio. I decided that by listening to it and singing along, I was celebrating the lie that what we look like (and who we attract) matters more than anything else.
 
Ok, back to Romans 12:2.
 
I’ve spent too long conforming to this world.
I’ve spent too long letting society tell me who I should be and what I should look like.
I’ve spent too long believing that beauty is finite, when really, it’s infinite.
 
Even though I’ve spent years hearing about the impossible beauty standards our world sets, it’s taken me until middle age to realize that I’ve been part of the problem. By trying to match the world’s standard of beauty, or following trends, or whatever you want to call it, I have actually fostered it.
 
By trying to conform to it, I’ve said that it’s ok. That it’s right.
 
I don’t want to live that way anymore.
I don’t want to let the world tell me who I should be or how I should look.
I don’t want to keep nurturing a false ideal of beauty.
 
Instead, I want to celebrate the things that God says are beautiful. That type of beauty is nothing like what you’ll see on Instagram or TikTok. It won’t be on the cover of People magazine.
 
It’s too vast.
Too infinite.
Too  varied.
Too real.
 
True beauty includes bruises and blood.
Tears and sweat.
Broad smiles and chipped teeth.
 
Most importantly, it goes beyond what you see.
 
Rewriting my definition of beauty isn’t easy. I can already see that I have a long way to go. But I’m grateful that it’s starting and I’m grateful that The Mockingbird spent the time and money to put out a magazine that’s helping rebellion bloom in my heart.
 
I have a choice.
I get to choose to turn off the radio.
I get to choose to put down the magazines.
I get to choose to stop scrutinizing myself in the mirror.
 
You have a choice, too.
 
I know I’m not the first to recognize this problem. Just last month, I went to see the musical Hairspray  with some friends. It’s based on a 1988 film, and the storyline proves that people have been talking about (and wrestling with) false beauty standards for decades.  My prayer is that those conversations not only continue, but that someday the voices proclaiming real beauty — and all its many definitions — will be the loudest.
 
Following a standard of beauty is just another way of trying to people please, which dims your true beauty.
 
The beauty that God gave you.
The beauty that reflects His creativity and love.
The beauty that He delights in.
 
People will try to take that beauty away from you. They’ll tell you that you should change. Don’t listen. Even if the voice you’re hearing is your own.

“SOMEDAY” IS TODAY 

Everyone has a corner of their fridge where things seem to disappear. You look and look and don’t see them until they are growing something white and fuzzy or emitting a putrid smell. I’ve been there, too. No judgment here. But, I also have some things hidden in the back of my fridge that I know are there. In fact, I have carefully placed them where they aren’t easily seen because I’m saving them. 

Now, there is a time and place for saving things. But I’m learning that most of the time, it’s better to enjoy them than try to tuck them away for “someday.”

Case in point: a half-full jar of macadamia nut butter that’s in our fridge. We bought the giant jar when we knew we would be leaving Hawaii and moving back to the mainland. We tucked it, unopened, into a box that would be shipped with the furniture, dishes, and books we couldn’t carry on the plane. 

Seems wise, right? Well, we thought so. But if you’re doing the math, you may have realized that that “special” jar of macadamia nut butter is over four years old.

I was so determined to save it for when I really needed it (which is code for when I thought the occasion was special enough) that it has gone rancid and become inedible. 

By attempting to save it for “someday” I have wasted it. And that’s got me thinking about the scarcity mindset that I far too often live in. The scarcity mindset tells us that there’s not enough to go around so we have to hold tight to what we have. It tells us that God’s love and provision isn’t enough so we have to grab whatever we can and horde it away so we don’t have to trust Him, or anyone else. 

The scarcity mindset tells us it’s protecting us, but really it’s robbing us. Grace Leuenberger, on her Substack, wrote about it this way: “I have had a scarcity mindset that has, at times, led to deep skepticism and distrust, and robbed me of gratitude and honestly, joy.”

She goes even deeper, tying that scarcity mindset to her faith, and how at times she hasn’t believed that God’s grace is enough. 

Ouch. That stings.

How long have I treated God’s grace like my jar of macadamia nut butter? How often have I tucked it away, trying to save it for when I really need it, rather than enjoying it — and sharing it — here and now? 

As I throw away my rancid jar, I’m realizing that this isn’t how God wants me to live. Instead, He wants me to live by faith. He wants me to trust Him enough to enjoy the goodness He has given me today, without fear that it will run out. And I’m realizing I want to live that way, too. 

I’ve been so busy living for “someday” that I missed the fact that “someday” is actually today. 

Erik and I are going to visit Hawaii in a couple of months and we’re planning to bring back another jar of macadamia nut butter. But this time, I’m going to enjoy it. 

I’m going to lick if off the spoon.

Drizzle it on pancakes. 

Smear it on homemade bread. 

And I will thank God for every bite, knowing that if I run out tomorrow, it doesn’t matter, because today it was more than enough. After all, today is the day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24. 

BLACKBERRY SEASON

Yesterday, I did what I’ve done since I was a little girl. I opened the cupboard, pulled out a Tupperware container, slipped on my shoes and went to pick blackberries. And for the briefest moment, I was child again.
 
It was a sunny afternoon, and I might as well have had braided pigtails and jelly sandals on, for how my body remembered to squat low and look under leaves for the juiciest berries. I’ve picked blackberries from random roadsides since I could walk. They are one of the joys of summer in the Northwest, and something that I deeply missed when we lived in Hawaii.
 
Sure, we could get blackberries, but they were usually at least $8 a container and would mold practically overnight. Plus, they just never tasted as good as the roadside berries I was used to. The ones that were warm from the sun and practically melted on my tongue.  
 
Our first summer back, I delighted in picking multiple containers of them, not sure what I’d use them for, but amazed at the bounty. Since then, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the magic of blackberry season, which starts well before the first berry can be plucked.
 
In fall and winter, the vines die back, then in the early spring the begin to climb and stretch. Early summer brings white blossoms, which gradually transform into green berries. Those green berries slowly redden and then turn to a purple so deep that it appears black.
 
Our daily walking route passes multiple berry patches, so Erik and I have been watching and waiting for them to be ready for weeks. The first few we tasted in late July made us pucker. But now, now they are perfect. And that brings me back to yesterday.
 
As I dropped berry after berry into my container and watched it fill, I was struck by two things.
 
First, the resilience of these berry plants. They are cut back, stomped on, sprayed with chemicals, and still find a way to thrive. (I do know that most of them are Himalayans, an invasive variety, but I’m not going to get into that today.)
 
What might I learn from watching these berries persist year after year, producing fruit because it’s what they were created to do? They don’t care that they are sometimes unwanted. They don’t care that they are scorned. They just go on doing what they were created to do – producing the fruit they were meant to produce.
 
The second thing these berries are teaching me is to be awed by the beauty — and bounty — of God’s provision.
 
No person works to produce these fruits, and we don’t do anything to deserve them. Yet, they are there, vines heavy with berries. The abundance is so astonishing that even after my container is full, I struggle to turn away. There are still so many good ones. So much deliciousness just waiting to be enjoyed.
 
As I slip a warm sun-warmed berry between my lips, I think back to my childhood and the countless number of buckets, jars, and containers my family and I have collected over the years. Back then, the picking was unhurried, but as soon as we got home, the action would start. Immediately, my mom would start washing the berries and then begin to transform them into  jam, fruit leather, and cobbler. Entire gallons would be tucked into the chest freezer in the garage to be made into pie, more jam, or muffins throughout the year ahead so that we would get to taste summer’s sweetness on the coldest of winter days.
 
Where I live now, there are blackberries everywhere, just like there were in the neighborhood I grew up in.
 
They are abundant and endless.
Resilient and determined.
Just like God’s love.

IT STILL HURTS

Erik and I have a very sweet 12-year-old in our lives who we love. This year she got braces. Now I never had braces, by my older sister did, so I know a little about them — and living with people who have them.
 
There are restrictions on what you can eat.
You have to floss your teeth with a special tool.
And every few weeks the braces are tightened or a thicker wire is put in.
 
There’s pain in the process. How could there not be? The braces are designed to reform your entire mouth. It’s done slowly, I assume in part of minimize pain, but still, the pain is there, and after the last appointment, the sweet 12-year-old was not happy.
 
Ice cream wouldn’t help.
Shopping couldn’t take the ache away.
She had to just sit with it.
 
In the midst of her pain, her dad texted Erik and I and told us she wasn’t feeling well and was quite uncomfortable. So we did the only thing we could think to do. We prayed.
 
Afterward, we texted her dad back to tell him we’d prayed for her, and he passed the message on to her. About two minutes later, both Erik’s and my phones buzzed.
 
“I told her you prayed for her,” her dad wrote. “She said, ‘Well, I don’t feel any better!”
 
We burst out laughing. The text message emojis flying back and forth on the group chat.
 
But as I laughed, I also felt a little jealous. Not of her pain, but of her ability to say how she truly felt, without pretense, and presumably without fear of what we thought of her response.
 
I think God wants the same kind of relationship with us. He wants us to feel loved enough and safe enough to tell him how we feel. How we really feel. Without lofty words, without unnecessary fluff. After all, in Matthew 6:7-8, Jesus tells us as much.
 
“And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” (NIV)
 
God knows what I need.
He knows what you need.
He knows what that sweet little 12-year-old needs.
 
He doesn’t need us to come to Him with eloquent essays or a list of arguments as to why He should answer our prayer. Instead, He wants us to just come to Him and tell him how we feel. And that means at times, “But Lord, it still hurts!” is the truest and most beautiful prayer I — or you — could ever pray.