Fear

WHAT DOES TRUST LOOK LIKE?

/ jessicaivaska / 6 Comments

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I’m sure you’ve reached that moment in your life. If you haven’t yet, you will. Probably many times. Sorry, but it’s the truth.

It’s the moment when you have to trust. When the ground feels shaky, you feel like you swallowed a boulder and your head is spinning.

That’s the place I’m at today. I’ve been here for a while. If we’re honest, we are here everyday, but the pace of our society and technology lets us keep it at bay. When we keep busy enough we don’t have time to peer into the unknown or look at the roadmap only to see there’s no path marked, just thousands of routes with no direction on which turn to take.

But today, today is quiet. Today I can’t hide behind a “To Do” list or a mountain of work, because God has cleared my plate. Some of you may be thinking, “I’d give anything for a day like that.” Let me tell you, it’s harder than it sounds.

How do you stare a day in the face knowing that nothing you do will really matter? How do you look at an empty calendar and feel purpose? How do you encourage the man who you love that God has a plan when you don’t see it? How do you trust when looking back you see a lot of dead ends?

The only answer I can come up with today is this:

Trust is a conversation.

Trust is being willing to be open, vulnerable and honest. Trust is crying with Job and saying to God, “I don’t like what you are doing, but I will not deny you.”

You can’t be real with someone if you don’t trust them. You can’t pour out your heart—and your hurts—if you don’t believe in them. You can’t be vulnerable if you don’t feel safe.

So today I’m choosing to claim my conversations with God, dark as they may be, as a victory because they remind me that I trust Him.

CHICKEN?

/ jessicaivaska / 4 Comments

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“Are you chicken?” I remember those cutting words from my grade school days. They were always said with a lilt in the voice, a taunting, manipulative question.

There are a lot of things you don’t want to be when you are in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th grade, and chicken is near the top of that list.

Here in Hawaii we have chickens. Lots of chickens. Some are pets and some are used for laying eggs, but most of them just roam the streets. Rag-tag bands of feral chickens can be found in almost every neighborhood.

So the other day, when I came across a chicken and a rooster on my run, I wasn’t shocked. And no, I wasn’t scared either. But, as I got closer, the chicken freaked out. Like royally flipped out. She up and ran.

Now. I’m sorry to say that Ms. Chicken’s timing was terrible. At just that moment, a truck was coming up the street on my right.

I don’t have to tell you the rest. I’ll let you imagine what it sounded like.

Needless to say my entire body flinched and I turned away. But it got me to thinking, in her fear, the chicken went towards something that was more dangerous than what she was afraid of.

I mean, I guess I can be more scary than I realize, but I wasn’t planning to even touch the chicken. I was just going to let her be. Her perception of me was inaccurate, which led to fear, and then unwarranted action that actually caused more harm.

There are things in life we all fear. Cancer. Terrorist attacks. Losing loved ones. And when you are in elementary school the list of things to be afraid of is much longer. It includes monsters, the dark, and your best friend moving away.

But when you dig down deep and look at the roots of your fear—are the things you are afraid of really worth being scared at?

It’s not the fear itself that matters. It’s what you do with it.

Do you get on your knees and cry out to the God of the Universe who is waiting with open arms to listen to every word you say and wipe away every tear you cry?

Or do you pull up your bootstraps, try harder and turn to run from your fear?

When you turn and run, you never know when a truck will come around the corner. But if you take your fears to the One who loves you and created you, you’ll be safe every single time.

So are you chicken? What are you gonna do about it?

TANGLED

/ jessicaivaska / 2 Comments

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There he was. Or maybe he was a she. Either way, I saw the grey little dove standing on the sidewalk as I walked to my car. He was a little rumpled. His feathers weren’t lying flat, but that’s not what caught my eye. What I noticed was a thin, translucent piece of fishing line.

It moved every time the bird did.

I stopped. I looked again. His leg was tangled in fishing line. I slowly tried to move towards him but with every inch I moved, he moved away.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” I said quietly. “I want to help.”

Apparently I don’t speak bird because he continued to waddle quickly away. I sighed and turned to open the car door and climb in. But as I did, I couldn’t help but think: How often do I do that? How often do you? How often do we run away when someone wants to help untangle us from the mess we’re in?

There’s no shortage of fishing line in our lives. Heartbreak. Sin. Selfishness. Betrayal. Pride. Addiction. It can be so easy to get tangled that often we don’t even realize we are. We drag around extra weight, letting it impact our lives and keep us from fully living.

Why? Because we’re afraid.

We’re afraid that getting free will hurt more than being tangled.

We’re afraid that if people get close enough to see what’s weighing us down, they’ll see our flaws. They’ll see all of us. How many of us stay tangled by fear?

How many times have you run from someone who was trying to help? How many times have you turned away from God because you thought if you kept a big enough distance he couldn’t really see you?

How often have I?

What have we lost in the process? What has our running cost us?

The dove was created to fly, but with fishing line tangled around his leg, he could no longer do what he was created to do. Have you been running? Have you been drinking wine every night just to numb the pain? Have you been pushing away people who want to go deeper because you’re afraid of what they’ll discover? Or have you been putting on a slick coat of lipstick and a smile, trying to look like everything is ok when deep down your heart is broken?

What would happen if you took a risk? What if you stopped running and let someone help you get untangled?