BAD APPLES AND BUILDING COMMUNITY

I fully admit I’m a bit of a wanna-be hippie. I like doing things the “natural” way, I eat vegetarian, I think plants are amazing, and I love the idea of growing all the food Erik and I eat. (It’s never going to happen, but I still think it would be pretty awesome.) So, when we moved into our current rental house, I was thrilled that there were two raised garden boxes just waiting to be filled.
 
It was April, and I had seeds and vegetable starts in the ground before I even had a photo hanging on the wall. That’s how excited I was.
 
Spring turned to early summer and one day, while I was wandering around the side of the house, I looked up and caught my breath.
 
What?
Could it be?
 
I rushed to the front door, threw it open and yelled, “Erik!”
 
Hurrying out of his office he looked at me and said, “What’s wrong?”
 
“We have an apple tree!” I exclaimed. “On the side of the house! Come see!”
 
I admit if I lived up to my hippie ideals and was better at plant identification, I would have recognized the tree for what it was months before. But I didn’t. Neither did Erik. But, seeing how excited I was, he dutifully slipped on his shoes and followed me outside.
 
“Look!” I said, pointing up at the small, light-green balls that had formed.
 
“Yep. That’s an apple tree,” Erik said and then went back inside.
 
The tree was loaded and I started dreaming about all the amazing things I’d make when they were ripe.
 
Pie.
Crisp.
Apple sauce.
Breads.
Muffins.
I could dehydrate them like my mom had when I was a little girl.
 
I watched and waited for them to grow to full size and be ready to be picked.
 
A few months later, I went outside one day and saw that apples were strewn across the grass under the tree.
 
I walked over to pick one up and saw that it had bruised from the fall.
 
All of them had. Well, bummer, but they did take a good tumble. I picked up the best ones and took them inside to try to salvage the unbruised halves.
 
I cut one open and saw streaks of rotting inside.
 
I tossed it into the yard-waste and grabbed another one. It was the same. There were also holes formed by some worm or bug already having had a feast. I kept cutting until I find one section that looked edible and took a bite.
 
Mealy. Mushy. Miserable.
 
These apples were terrible.
 
“Of course they are bad,” I told myself. “They fell. The ones I pick will be better.”
 
Determined, I went out to pick some a few days later and repeated the same process of discovery.
 
My dreams, along with thousands of bad apples, ended up in our yard waste bin that year.

Even picking them all up was tedious. Every day, it seemed like hundreds more fell, littering the ground and rolling onto our street where they were inevitably smushed to oblivion by  passing cars.
 
I tried to keep up with them, but it was no use.
 
Eventually, they all fell and we were able to properly dispose of them, occasionally taking a slice just to make sure they were all bad.
 
They were.
 
Not to be deterred, when the next summer rolled around, I told myself I was going to find a use for these apples. There had to be something I could make with them. (On a sidenote: apple season is usually in the fall, but these are an early variety and start falling in July.)  
 
Then it hit me, applesauce! They can be mushy if you’re making applesauce. I just needed to peel them, and cut out any critter-eaten bits.
 
That year I toted a bowl of the best-looking ones into the kitchen and got out my peeler.

The minuscule amounts that were salvageable weren’t worth the effort.
 
Defeated again, I admitted to myself I’d spend the next two months carrying buckets of apples to the bin.
 
Thankfully, I did have a friend who has alpacas who love apples. She often buys them boxes at a time, and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask if she wanted any. She did! We loaded up a box and took them to church to hand them off.
 
The moment we opened our trunk you could smell slightly rotting apples. Apparently, this particularly variety doesn’t store at all. If you’re going to dare to eat them, they are a day-of kind of thing. But the alpacas didn’t seem to mind, so they got some apples and my friend didn’t have to buy apples that week.  
 
But still, there was no way two alpacas could eat all of our apples. The rest ended up filling our yard-waste bin to the brim. Erik could barely roll it out it was so heavy.
 
The next summer, I didn’t even try to eat them. I just let them fall and picked them up as I could, once again giving Erik an arm and back workout with the overflowing yard waste bin.
 
But then, one day when I was out in the garden, a large, gray pick-up truck pulled up.

The introvert in me got nervous.
 
Did I know them? What did they want? Did I have to talk to them?
 
I tried smiling as they rolled down the passenger window.
 
“Are you guys using those apples?” The driver asked from under a camouflage hat.
 
“No, because they are terrible,” I said, suddenly feeling ashamed that I had neglected my apple clearing duties to the extent that passing neighbors had taken notice.
 
“We have chickens. They’ll tear them up. Can we have some?”
 
“You can have them all!” I said back. “But they really aren’t good.”
 
“I’ll send my sons over later to pick up some of the ones that have fallen. They’ll bring you some fresh eggs, too.”
 
“They can come as many times as they want. They can even pick them off the tree,” I said thrilled that these apples would at least feed some more of God’s creatures.
 
“Nah. They’ll just get the fallen ones,” the driver said. “Thanks.”
 
“Thank you!” I replied as he rolled up his window and pulled away.
 
And that brings us to this year. The apples started falling a few weeks ago. Hoping to at least share some, we went over to the neighbors and asked if they wanted them. Turns out they are moving and had already sold their chickens.
 
Not to be deterred, I texted another friend who has chickens and offered her apples.
 
She replied within minutes.
 
“We already get plenty of apples for the chickens from our neighbors. But thank you.”
 
Ok. Yard-waste bin, I hope you’re ready for this year’s bountiful harvest.
 
A few days later, after already tossing at least three buckets of apples, we ran into another neighbor while on a walk.
 
“Do you guys want eggs?” she asked. “I was just giving out eggs.”
 
“Jess doesn’t really eat them, and I can’t go through them fast enough on my own,” Erik said. “But thank you for offering.”
 
“Wait. Do you have chickens?” I asked. We’d never heard a peep in the dozens of times we’d walked by their house.
 
“Yep,” she said.
 
“Do you want apples for them?”
 
“They’d love them.”
 
“Great, I’ll drop a bag off later.”
 
Redemption! I have found a purpose for at least some more of the apples.
 
Later that day, I walked a grocery sack of apples over, a note with my phone number tucked inside.
 
She texted me a few hours later saying thank you, the chickens would love them and that they’d eat that many in about a day.
 
I had tried to be conservative, not wanting to give her too many, but she explained she had 10 birds and they ate a lot.
 
“You can drop some off every other day, if that works for you,” she messaged.
 
So this year, not only two alpacas, but 10 neighborhood chickens are enjoying the fallen fruit from our apple tree. And my neighbor and I have been talking more and building a deeper relationship.
 
At one time, I thought all that fruit was a waste. But it turns out it’s helping me build community, right here in my little neighborhood. And that’s sweeter than any apple could ever be.
 
By the way, we still have more apples than friends with livestock, so if you want some bad apples, grab a bucket and come on over. I’ll even help you pick them.

GRANDMA’S HOMEGOING

Fourteen years ago, last Sunday, my grandma died.
 
I have the date on my calendar – along with the dates of several other loved ones who have passed away – so that I take some time to remember them each year, on that day.
 
Usually my remembrance feels solemn, and part of me always thought that was a good thing. After all, death is serious business. It’s sorrowful and grief-worthy because it’s not how things were created to be.
 
Every time someone or something we love dies we feel it from our toes to our souls because every part of us knows it’s wrong. Death is a part of this broken world. It’s a reminder that all things haven’t been made right, yet.
 
So, on Sunday, when my phone popped up, “Anniversary of Grandma Millie’s passing,” I took a deep breath, bracing for the wave of sadness to hit. But this time, it didn’t. Instead, I smiled.
 
This year, my heart didn’t see the anniversary as the day my grandma left the earth, but as the day she finally went home to Jesus.  In my mind I started calling it her “Going home birthday,” even rushing to my office before church to scribble the words down on a piece of scrap paper. I didn’t want to forget how I felt in the moment. How this tickle of joy in the back of my eyes made my lips curve into a smile.
 
Those of us still on earth mourn, and rightfully so, when someone we love passes away. But as I think about my grandma on that day 14 years ago, I know she wasn’t sad to leave. In fact, she spent the better part of the last 10 years of her life telling God to hurry up and come get her already.
 
“I don’t know what’s taking Him so long,” she’d say at family gatherings. “I don’t know why I’m still here.”
 
Occasionally, she’d also add, “I just want to be with Ralphie.”
 
Ralph, or Ralphie, as my grandma called him, was her husband. He passed away decades earlier, when I was just 10 years old.
 
Grandma missed him every day after, but instead of his death making her faith shaky, it seemed to make it stronger, at least in my childhood eyes. She went to church weekly, and her Bible, nestled into it blue embroidered cover, was never too far away. When she moved from California up to Washington, it was always on the coffee table in front of the blue and white striped couch in her combination sewing/guest room. The couch was a pull-out, and I slept on it several times, always careful to move the table (and Bible) aside before attempting to unearth the iron legs from underneath the cushions.
 
I don’t remember if she told me, or if I just assumed, that she sat on the couch every morning, doing her quiet time, talking to God. We found several journals of her prayers after she passed away.
 
So grandma, she wasn’t scared of death. On the contrary, she was ready for it long before she tasted it.
 
Several years before she passed, she unknowingly had an infection which had weakened her body. She fell getting out of bed early in the morning, and my mom found her a few hours later, when she had stopped in for a visit. Grandma was unconscious and my mom did the only thing she could think of. She called 9-1-1. The ambulance came and the paramedics revived grandma before loading her in the back and taking her to the hospital.
 
My mom was relieved. It looked like grandma was going to be ok!
 
Grandma, on the other hand, was furious.
 
“Why didn’t you let me go?” she grumbled to my mother. “I was almost there.”
 
According to my mom, she stayed mad about it for months, maybe longer.
 
Grandma knew where she was going and nothing was going to stop her from getting there as soon as she could. Except God’s timing, and He had several more years before He finally took her home.
 
When I got the call, 14 years ago, that she was gone, I wept. She was 90, but it was still not what I expected that July day. And it’s taken me this long to turn the corner from honoring the day she died to wanting to celebrate.
 
My grandma is where she always wanted to be.
 
She’s home.
She’s with Jesus.
She’s not in pain.
She’s not lonely.
She isn’t wondering what her purpose is.
 
She knows.
 
As I think about her homegoing now, I’m confident she wasn’t the only one rejoicing. She had something like 9 or 10 brothers and sisters, all of whom passed on before her. Her parents, her own grandparents, and of course, my grandpa, had all left this earth decades earlier. It’s fun to imagine them welcoming her home with hugs, kisses, and embraces that never have to end. But I think their celebration was nothing compared to the celebration of the angels and God, knowing that their beloved Millie was finally home with them and would be for all eternity.
 
Psalm 116:15 says, “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful servants,” and from what I saw, my grandmother was a faithful servant.

PLAY TO WIN

Erik has been watching the World Cup. We aren’t typically sports people so having the TV turned to a match several days in a row feels weird. Almost like someone else has taken over our living room. But no, it’s Erik, the man who has been by my side for almost 19 years now. I’m just seeing a different side of him. A side that has been hidden from me. 

“I don’t remember you being this into the World Cup before,” I cautiously said to him last week. I was worried that I had somehow blanked out on large swaths of our life – that I hadn’t been fully paying attention. 

“This is the first time that the timing lines up for me to watch it,” he said. “I’ve always liked it.”

He then went through the years the World Cup has been held since we met and explained that every other time it has been held, he’d been crazy busy with work and school and life demands, or it had been held in cities where the time zones just didn’t match up to where we were living. 

Ok, that explains it. 

As much as he’s into it, I still don’t have a lot of interest, so on Monday, I took my book outside while Erik turned on the US vs. Belgium match.

I was happily reading in the evening sun, when I got a text from him about the how Team USA was playing. 

“They’re not hungry to win, they’re afraid to lose,” he’s messaged. 

As I stared down at my phone, the words stopped being about a soccer team and got personal. Maybe a little too personal. 

“I think I probably fall into the afraid to lose camp most of the time,” I texted him back.

“That might be worth exploring,” he wrote back. 

Well, when God gives you a glimpse of your heart like that, you can either ignore it or follow it. I decided to follow it, and at the end of the road was a truth that’s as ugly to face as Team USA’s inevitable loss. 

Here it is: I let fear dictate more of my life than faith. 

Ouch. 

It’s not that I never take risks. I do, but I tend to take “safe” risks. Ones that are calculated. I usually have a backup plan…or three. 

But that’s not living in faith, is it? That’s not living in the fullness of believing that God really has me, no matter what. 

Maybe you haven’t, either. 

If you have a relationship with Jesus, your salvation isn’t at stake here. That’s secure. But I think your enjoyment of life is. 

At least that’s what I see in my own life. I’ve tended to hold back on some of the things I really want to do because I’m afraid I’ll fall flat on my face. I’m afraid I’ll lose. 

The Bible tells us the game has already been decided. God wins, and when we’re on His side, we win, too. Nothing can change that. So why am I living not to lose, if I’m guaranteed to win? 

Can I be brave enough to change? 

Can I be brave enough to step out in faith? 

Can you? 

EXPECTATIONS

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been told several times in my life to lower my expectations. 

I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was out of college, so everyone told me my expectations were too high. 

When I said I hoped my literature major would allow me to write for a living, people shook their heads and said, “You’ll end up a teacher.” 

The message was clear: don’t expect too much — or too many good things — otherwise you’ll be disappointed. I totally get it. People close to me have seen my tender heart and wanted to protect it. They’ve wanted to spare me from pain. 

In response, I’ve tried to tamper my expectations for years. But if I’m honest, it hasn’t served me very well. Instead of fully embracing the delight of a long-planned gathering with friends, I tell myself not to expect it to be too good or I’ll be disappointed. When I go to a new doctor, I tell myself if I plan for the worst — another “Well that is weird” statement when I list my symptoms — then I won’t be disappointed when someone fails to give me a solid diagnosis yet again. 

But the self-talk and emotional preparations rarely do what I hope they will. Because we can’t really protect ourselves from disappointment. 

It just happens. 

It’s part of life. 

But today, as I was reading a section of God’s Joyful Surprise, by Sue Monk Kidd, I realized that I’ve been thinking of expectations all wrong. Maybe you have, too.

In the book, Kidd talks about expecting to hear God’s voice. Expecting to see His love. Expecting to see Him work in our lives. Every single day. 

If God is who He says He is — and the Bible offers a myriad of evidence that He indeed is  — I don’t think we need to lower our expectations. I think we need to expand them. 

We need to expect God to show us His love. 

We need to expect Him to work good out of even the hardest situation. 

We need to expect miracles. 

We need to expect Him to direct our paths through the nudging of the Spirit. 

We need to expect to see Him, and then, I think we will…more than we could ever expect.